Now what is it?
So yeah, I’m supposed to write something right about now. Generally it isn’t much of a problem to come up with something to write about. I mean, take last week. Column practically wrote itself after looking at that picture once, really.
And there was only a minor scare that the picture was a hoax. That had me worried for a moment, lemme tell ya. Nothing worse than wasting a good screed on a hoax.
I guess I could be talking about Avengers #71, but that’d only serve to drive the price up on those copies that have already hit EBay, and I don’t see any reason to do that. People are silly enough as it is. Don’t need to encourage that sort of behavior. Particularly when it’s all about a scene that has been done in all kinds of fan fiction (though it’d be Pym and Hawkeye if it was slash fiction). Yeah, it seems a little desperate and smacks of “I want to be the Ultimates, too!” but it’s not my comic to write, is it? I mean, there was a really good reason for that to be in there, wasn’t there? It all served the story, right?
Thought so.
I mean, it’s not like Marvel feels the need to pander, right? The books sell themselves! Just look at Emma Frost. I mean, was I the only one disappointed when I opened the book and found that it was about a mild-mannered teenage girl named Emma Frost and not all about the anatomically-improbable superdominatrix that we’ve grown to love? I thought I wasn’t. But those covers! They’re fabulous!
Nothing else screams “I’m an awkward male who doesn’t have any idea how to meaningfully relate to actual, breathing members of the female gender (or, just as likely, the male gender)” quite like a Greg Horn cover. The thing that I love is that the covers so accurately reflect the contents inside.
Or not. It’s like slapping an awkwardly-posed Maxim cover on a fumetti Lizzie McGuire (except, y’know, with mutants and superpowers and stuff). It’s perfect! You don’t even have to read the comic to show that you’re reinforcing the worst of the comic-reader stereotype. Just wave that cover in the face of a non-comics-reader. That’s the way to educate the uninitiated to the kinds of quality that you can expect in the mainstream comic experience.
And please, before we go any further, let me state that I’m not picking on Greg Horn as an artist. He’s a fine artist, though I’m not wild about his style, but his rendering skills are very refined. I’ll pick a bone with the way he chooses to pose his models, but as I said before, they’re not my covers to paint. For which we are all thankful. I think that his subject matter is kind of obvious (though he sneaks in some interesting symbolism, such as the burning heart of roses on the Emma Frost #1 cover; that was nice) but he’s obviously very skilled when it comes to doing pin-up work.
But geez, who wouldn’t want to read that? And who wouldn’t want one of those lovely Black Queen busts to park on your desk while we’re at it? Let’s reinforce those preconceived notions! Hop to it, people!
Okay. That’s just a little mean isn’t it? It’s like Graeme is writing this column or something (only he’d be expressing himself a far sight better, and less, y’know, awkwardly, than I am.)
People should be able to read whatever they want to. That’s one of the great things about comics, right? We’ve got pretty much everything from the sacred to the profane and in-between. Science-fiction? Yup. Action? Yup. Deeply personal and meaningful semi-autobiographical tracts of angst and loss? Yup. Over-the-top superheroics powered by pure imagination? Oh yeah. Just look for that Grant Morrison guy.
If people want to read stuff that makes no bones about a need to show a face that panders to the lowest common denominator (I’m trying to get another dominatrix joke in here, but it just isn’t working – little help please) then that’s great. Even if the cover has ABSOULTELY NOTHING to do with what’s going on inside. That’s wonderful. More power to ‘em. Sell those books.
But for goshsakes, don’t try to sell a book on its merits. That’s just looneytoons. Who’d read ANYTHING that was just sold on its merits (even by exaggerating those merits a little). Nobody does. ‘Specially not folks like AiT/PlanetLar, right? I mean, they never sell anything out! It’s like their books are always available or something. That’s just nuts. If you aren’t selling your books out, then you’re doing something wrong. Right?
Something needs to be done about this. All this collecting comics and acting like they’re books and stuff. What the hell? Comics are just throwaway junk for kids. They’re not meant to be permanent things. They’re a phase that you go through. Like puberty or something (I know, I’m passing up a lot of jokes. Just make up a couple of your own.)
It’s not like comics tell important stories, right? They’re just cheap entertainment. Disposable. Nearly worthless. Stuff that just hasn’t been recycled yet. For geeks and other misfits.
Guess what. Most people really think that. And every time they see an Emma Frost cover, all that (and worse, believe me) is all that they’ll see. That is, of course, assuming that they ever see someone actually reading a comic book out in public. When was the last time that you saw that and it wasn’t a picture in James Sime’s column.
When was the last time that people saw all the value in comics and those stories? When did “Mature Reader” become synonymous with someone who was looking for cartoon T&A and harsh language?
You’re probably right. I’m just being harsh. And unfair. And taking it all too personally. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Ah. That’s out of my system now. Time to talk about what’s been going on with my project. It’s got a name now. Strangeways. Yeah, I know about the Smiths reference.
Oh. Oh wait. I’m out of column inches. Lookit that. There’s the edge right there. And I’m pretty close as it is.
Okay. Maybe an update next week. But fear not, things are moving along nicely. See you in a week or so.