Highway 62 http://highway-62.com/wp Matt Maxwell, author and other Thu, 15 Oct 2015 03:25:46 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.8 FULL BLEED: NINETEEN AND SIXTY SEVEN http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2237 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2237#comments Thu, 15 Oct 2015 03:25:46 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2237 21813887815_5148523dbc_b

I was born between the assassination of JFK and the Apollo moon landing. That’s usually how I mark myself by American events. I could get a little more specific, but this covers the bases, both high and low. Granted, these happenings don’t have the punch that they once did. When I was younger, it was smart to have a conspiracy theory on JFK but we for damn sure landed on the moon. Well now we get to distrust everything. Hooray. Good work, dudes. Fight the power.

So I turn forty-eight today. Just close enough to fifty that it looks like inevitability. I know. I probably shouldn’t be revealing my age. Editors at comic companies trying to court younger readers are going to shy right away. Is the joke on me for worrying about it or them thinking that they can get the same methods and books to magically skew desirable millennial male reader demographics? Oh, it’s on everyone. Plenty of humor to go around, just that it’s pretty dark. Like last page of the MAD magazine parody of HOGAN’S HEROES dark (art by the master, Jack Davis and I’m surprised it ever got printed.)

What’s weird is that don’t feel particularly older than I did when I was say, 33, to pick a number. Yeah, the eyes are getting worse, but I know folks who’d be happy to have even my degraded close-up vision, as I can still drive without cheaters just fine. But is all this kidding myself? Yeah, maybe. Though I do drive what could charitably be described as a midlife-crisis car (at least it’s not my favorite color, cherry red). Yeah, there’s an old reference slipped in there to show you how old I am. Classic rock, doncha know.

But the world does catch up and run right past anyways. No matter how much the Boomers and their offspring might want to dilate the present to grotesque proportions. But that’s an old view. Radio and TV still stuck in those modes when the world is being driven by sharable moments in social media like motes amongst Roy Baty’s tears. He’s seen things, you know.

Never mind that the stuff that’s going to become the new mainstream is racing all around us, not even traded on soulseek or Napster or the torrent of your choice. It’s out there, hoping it’ll be found so that the middleman sponsoring it can make some money from the clicks. Genres? We’ve got all two billion kinds of music, enough so you could be hyper-specific and still have too much to keep up with.

That’s okay. Dig what you want. Don’t stress over everything else.

I know. Easy to say. How about just stressing over the important stuff and leave it at that. Now we get to argue over what’s important and what isn’t. Pass.

I’ll just keep working on the stuff that only I can do. Nobody else has this stuff seen this way rattling around their heads, so I have to. That’s where the giving a fuck comes back into play.

It’s funny, people blaming stuff on existentialists when they really ought to be dumping their grief on the nihilists. The nihilists say that it just doesn’t fucking matter. Of course there’s not a one of them who has the courage of their own convictions, instead they just endlessly talk about it which is how you know they’re cowards. But the existentialists, sure, they said that life is absurd on its own. Absurd. Bring in the Dadaists because it’s their party now.

Only that’s not what they mean. Their game is that you have to be the one to operate with intent. You have to be the one to give a fuck. You can take away the lesson that no matter what you do, it’s meaningless and absurd. Or you can take away the lesson that it’s up to you to shape the meaning in your own life. And one day you’ll be dead. One day even the last person to have a memory or thought of you will be dead and the last person to have heard of them will have been dead for a million years. What did you do in the time you had? Did you believe in nothing?

Ain’t gonna lie. I’ve wrestled with doubt and despair for a long time. And it’ll happen again. And I’ll lose time to it. But I’m tired of letting it ride me, which it has done more than its fair share. But it takes two to tarantella, so much of that is on me.

In sunnier news, I’ve just completed edits on the Lovecraftian cyberpunk story “Chunked” for TOMORROW’S CTHULHU, which should be out in early 2016 if I recall correctly. I call it cyberpunk only half-jokingly. Bruce Sterling tells the difference between cyberpunk and other SF using the example of Frankenstein’s monster. In SF/fantasy, the creature goes on journeys of self-discovery and kills his master or not depending on the retelling. In cyberpunk, the monster gets a job in the vats working ten hours a day and goes home to a coffin hotel and watches his screen until he wakes up to do it again. “Chunked” takes that approach to Lovecraft’s fiction. Thoroughly unsentimental and I’m wondering how it will be received.

But I’m not taking back a word of it.

Aside from that, it’s doing page beats for two 120-page projects (and that only finishes half of one of them) so that I can begin to get scripts hammered into place. Having not done this for awhile, I’m a little worried, but I figure it’ll start working once I stop worrying about it so much.

In the meantime, it’s most of a birthday with my wife then orthodontic work for one of the kids and volleyball after. Not much of a ‘me’ birthday, but this is what I signed up for and I’m ready for it.

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FULL BLEED: THREE-LOBED http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2230 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2230#comments Thu, 08 Oct 2015 23:44:08 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2230 Bounty Buddies

Good news. I’ll spare you the kind of entry that I’ve been doing for the last several months. Tell your friends. No serious issues here. Nope.

Instead I’ll talk a little about my experiences going to three different, even very different comic shows in the last month and a half or so. Long Beach Comic-Con (hereafter LBCC), Rose City Comic Con (RCCC) and the Alternative Press Expo (APE). I’ve gone to all of these shows for some time, and they’ve all undergone changes, some more extreme than others.

Let’s start with LBCC, at the lovely Long Beach Convention Center. Originally, this grew out of Wizard’s LA show (which was actually good once). And yes, they called it an LA comic con, even though it wasn’t. But still, they managed to put together pretty good shows. DC would table and bring top-shelf talent (Grant Morrison, for instance, in 2003 or 2004, whichever was the last of these shows). Remember, these were still dark days for comics shows. Marvel didn’t go to these shows (nor SDCC, nor any other show, at least not in a big official standing, sometimes if a merchandiser had something to show, Marvel would have a tiny little presence.) Then there was something of a split between Wizard and the organizers of this show. The Wizard show went to LA (and it was TERRIBLE, often feeling like it was in a venue far too big, drawing people who were only there to see Marvel and DC and Top Cow folks) and the Long Beach crew started their own show.


LBCC has continued along for several years now. I’ve shown there a couple times (once did decently well and once did pretty poorly even after shelling out for a more expensive publisher table). But I don’t know that the show has really improved all that much, and some outside forces are probably working against it. Most notably, the move of Wonder Con (once in SF, once in Anaheim) to Los Angeles. That and the rise of several smaller shows which does split up the potential fan base (Comickaze is apparently making a big run of it too, though reviews on that show are definitely mixed). People are in a position where they can’t afford to go to every show that comes along; they’re having to choose.

One thing you’ll notice at LBCC is there’s a lot of cosplay. A. Lot. Cosplay is fine and wonderful and creative thing and not what I go to shows for. Sorry. I go to comic shows to talk to friends and look at art and junky old comics to take pictures of. Oh and to talk to the cast of LAND OF THE LOST and then be asked to take a picture of them with a tyrannosaurus cosplayer, which yes, did actually happen and was as surreal as you might imagine. Got a chance to talk to Don Glut, who wrote a comic that I read to pieces when I was in fourth grade (a digest issue of BORIS KARLOFF MYSTERIES) and bought one of his copies of said comic digest. Bought a copy of the BLACK METAL OMNIBUS from artist Chuck BB (and it is indeed METALEST). Chatted with friend (and fellow Speakeasy Comics survivor) Josh Fialkov. Talked with Keenan Keller (half of THE HUMANS, alongside Tom Neely). Those were the highlights.

Honestly, there wasn’t much else for me at the show. I’m impervious to the charms of most nerd/geek/whatever merchandise. Variant covers don’t do a thing for me. Cheap trades are nice, but I knew that I was about to head into the belly of the beast at the Last Book Store in LA and would have to be careful because I only had so much room for books. There were plenty of merchants selling things that I wasn’t into, someone selling beef jerky, a malaria charity. You know, the usual? Or not. Just not a lot on the floor for me. That said, there seemed to be plenty of other attendees having a good time. But it didn’t feel like an amazing comic show, not for my purposes. I’ll also be the first to acknowledge that if you’re making a comic show to please me, you’re probably losing money on it.

Next up on the show roster was RCCC, which is a show I’ve been attending/exhibiting with for a long time now. The first ashcan previews for STRANGEWAYS were sold there, so I have a little attachment to the former incarnation of the show, that being Stumptown Comics Fest, which used to be held at the Doubletree hotel in downtown. Back then, it was very much an indie comics show: cheap to get tickets for, crammed full of artcomix and non-superhero fare. I liked it because the crowds were always looking for something to read, not stuff to put up on a shelf or into a toy collection (again, those are fine and wholesome hobbies, but hold very little interest for me). It also helped that I have a friend in Portland I can reliably crash with to keep costs down (thanks Jeff and family for putting up with me, as always).


Stumptown only stayed in the old venue at the Doubletree for a couple years after I started exhibiting there. It moved over to the Portland Convention Center and ran into some growing pains. Going from bustling (and too-small) conference room to a cold and formal (and too big) convention floor did the show no favors, even though it had the same quantity and quality of exhibitors showing there. The tone of the show had changed, which can be death for an indie show. The last one I’d attended previous to this was a solid middle-sized show (or perhaps a big small show is a better way to describe it.) Either way, you could walk around comfortably, go up to Burgerville up the block easily to grab a bite.

Then the folks from ECCC took over. Now this paragraph break and first line are ominous, right? Depends how you look at it. RCCC went from a big small show to a big show in the space of two years. Thirty thousand attendees over the weekend. Try to walk to Burgerville? Don’t. It’s Thunderdome in there now. This is great for the show and attendees, but keep in mind that the infrastructure directly around the convention center can’t really handle it. Not yet anyways.

But that’s not the important thing, is it? How was the show? The show was good to great, depending on who you ask. Well, at least it felt great. The merch side of the floor was very busy. Though I did wonder how the individual science fiction authors selling their self-published books were doing. I never saw big crowds around them. Of course, I notice this since I’m a guy with self-published SF (and other) books, but I tell ya, I’d never show up at RCCC trying to sell just those. Plenty of stuff to see and pass right by (I’m not one for crocheted headwear or intricately-embroidered fezzes). Some stuff that drew my eye (twenty bucks of junky comics which I’ve yet to start really digging through for Intrapanel). An army of full-size R2-D2 replica robots, you know, the usual.

Much more interesting was the creator’s side of the floor, which had a range of top-flight talent from the Big Two as well as middle-tier and full independent creators/publishers. I don’t even want to call it artist’s alley because it wasn’t just a tiny little section, but fully half of the show floor. That’s what comic shows are for me. Talking to Paul Gulacy about SLASH MARAUD. Finding new artists I’d never heard of before. Trading copies of MURDER MOON for horror comics or watercolor dinosaur cards. Getting caught up on SHUTTER and getting those signed. That sort of thing. I’ll throw an shout-out to the programming as well. Solid on both the production and the community/fan side (at least for me).

There is still some work to be done in terms of managing growth. Granted, I don’t think the organizers expected this kind of turn-out for the show (and it was basically inconceivable for the old Stumptown organizers), so that will be something to watch out for. But it’s a good problem to have, at least.

Blew off the Dark Horse party (which I heard was mostly open but might not’ve been anyways) in favor of taking pictures around the Hollywood neighborhood and munching on a fried pork cutlet sandwich (which was superlative) then heading back to the house and working on not one but two ideas that need to be hammered into shape. Seems like an endless process.

Second day was pretty much like the first, though I was actually able to talk to an actual human editor (thanks to Paul for the kick in the pants and Jeff for the introduction) so we’ll see where that goes. I’m not holding my breath. Good advice for me. Went back to the house to decompress and pack then off to a food cart court (which is a thing, and quite a nice one at that, in Portland.) Ordered the viking soul food burrito (potato lefse, meatballs, goat cheese, red cabbage and a little too much gravy) with an actual bottled Coke and that was pretty good. Visited the most amazing video store I’ve ever seen, packed full of old movie props and costumes (mugwumps in the ceiling) as well as a stunning collection of DVDs and VHS tapes for rental. Managed to be almost late for my plane.

Skip forward a couple weeks and it’s time for APE. I’ve been going to the Alternative Press Expo since 2003 or so (at which time, I think it was being run by Comic Con International, who also ran Wonder-Con and SDCC). The show has grown steadily from taking about 1/4 of the venue (the San Francisco Concourse, now demolished) to just about filling it. Of course, it drew a lot of only tangentially-comics stuff by that time, some of which was great (like RE/search publications and the anarchist publishing houses) and some of which was not (lots of indie swap-meet stuff which belongs on Etsy, not at a comic/press show.) But these are part of the charm of the show.


2013 was the last year that APE was held in the Concourse (which is in downtown SF, and is pretty easy to get to, though there’s not a lot of activities for post-con entertaining in the immediate neighborhood.) Last year, the show was held in the Fort Mason Center (and was also the first year that the show had reverted back to Dan Vado’s control, he of Slave Labor Graphics and the creator of APE in the first place.) Last year’s show was fine, seemed to be decently attended (and I got to shake Robert Williams’ hand, so that’s a bonus.) Lots of indie publishers there, Fantagraphics, AdHouse, Drawn and Quarterly and the usual suspects. Like I said, a solid indie show.

This year, APE went back to its roots in San Jose. I joke about the venue itself being called the “Bug Tent,” mostly because that’s what it looks like. I’ve had occasion to exhibit at shows held there (Big Wow in 2009-10, for instance) and the place got awful warm in San Jose late springtime, awfully muggy, too. So I was a little wary. Luckily, the climate control was keeping the weather at bay (and the weather was cooperating, barely cracking 80).

When I got there on Sunday, sorta midmorning verging on noon, the show was just moving along, pretty relaxed. This isn’t unusual for a Sunday show, especially early in the day. Thing is, the crowds never really picked up after that. Aisles were always easy to navigate (which is one of those bad-good things, like commodity prices being too low or unemployment ticking down or the stock shooting up after a company lays off five thousand employees.)

My first stop was to talk with one of my STRANGEWAYS collaborators, Alex Sheikman (who’s really great and has done work for Archaia/Boom on both creator-owned and licensed projects). He’s the only artist actually signed up to do two stories in the third volume, which I’m really trying to get out next year, but I can’t guarantee anything like that anymore. We went over layouts for the second story and picked at the storytelling and generally made it work, which is one of the great things about comics (and something I really don’t get to do too often, as my primary collaborators are on another continent.)

Second stop was with Marty Davis, whose work I’d seen on Tumblr (davischino.tumblr.com) and has just put out his first funny book called FUME (which I haven’t gotten a chance to read over yet, but the cartooning looks *great*.) He even did a brush-pen sketch of me which you can’t see, ever. Well, maybe.  And we talked comics and doing the new circuit of shows and that sort of thing. So keep an eye out for his work.

Most of the rest of the show was catching up with friends (of which I had several there; no, really, I have real human friends) and looking over other artists’ work to see if anyone’s up for collaborations or just wants to talk shop. Oh, and I got a copy of DEATH SAVES from Josh Trujillo which I’m looking forward to reading, right after I get through the rest of the giant stack of comics (mostly trades) that I’ve picked up after three shows. Did some early birthday shopping for me at the Last Gasp booth (mostly because my wife probably wouldn’t ever look through a Last Gasp catalog). Picked up a couple cheap old magazines/comix from a dollar bin. Looked into cheap overseas printing for a possible Intrapanel book. I said *possible*. Don’t get all exercised.

Unfortunately, the only publishers at the show were Slave Labor and Valiant, which seemed a little strange. Sure, there were plenty of self-publishers there, but that’s a different beast (and before you get all mad, remember I’m a self-publisher, too.) But there was no Fantagraphics. No Oni. No AdHouse. No Drawn and Quarterly. No RE/search. No a lot of what I go to APE for. Now, I know that the Comic Crossroads Festival had its inaugural show the same weekend, and maybe folks were stopping in Ohio on their way to NYC. I won’t argue that move. Publishers have to choose where their books are best going to play. Especially in indie comics where every reader counts.

That all said, it sure seemed to take the wind out of APE’s sails. But then so did the fact that it was back in San Jose and couldn’t pick up a lot of the SF-based publishers/creators who weren’t willing to drive down. Making the transition to a new venue 50-odd miles away is never an easy proposition. And maybe next year there won’t be as much competition for publishers to showcase their works. That’s the other end of things. You’re not just competing for attendees, but for vendors. For a long time, APE was about the only game in town and now that’s simply not the case. But then for a long time, aside from SDCC, Wonder-Con and APE (and slowly, ECCC and Stumptown/RCCC) were the only game in town aside from hotel-sized local shows.

The convention game has changed a whole lot since I first started selling ashcans of STRANGEWAYS at Stumptown back in 2007. Conventions have really become a sort of second distributor up against Diamond, especially for back-of-the-catalog independent comics publishers/artists. Yeah, it’s an expensive proposition and sometimes you don’t even make table much less profit, especially with just one or two books to sell. But it’s still a way to get hooked up to readers who want physical books as opposed to digital comics. And now there’s booths where people are announcing/advertising their Kickstarter campaigns without even a product to show (not a path I’d take, myself, but I’m a weirdo.)

Ultimately this year’s APE wasn’t that great a show. It went fine for me, and I’m glad I went. But it wasn’t a big show. Most of the vendors I spoke with indicated about the same thing. There were some sales made, but had to work hard for ‘em. I think people like Last Gasp and Stuart Ng, storefronts with a large catalog to choose from, probably did okay (especially since Last Gasp was premiering a new James Jean import book from Japan that weekend) but I didn’t get that feeling from a lot of the smaller publishers. I’m not even going to make a guess as to what the future holds for the show or offer a weaksauce “We’ll see” last line. Things have changed so much that doing so would be foolhardy at best, stupid at worst.

Will I go again? It’s more likely than me attending another LBCC (or another Wizard show, which I did this summer in Sacramento and wow was that largely a bust but for a couple highlights). But it’s not an event that I’ll be looking forward to as I have in the past.

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TULPA http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2226 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2226#comments Tue, 29 Sep 2015 04:52:37 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2226 L1270561_sm

That being a thing that pretends to be another thing in order to find itself some benefit. Doppleganger, mimic, cuckoo, what have you. A thing that pretends to be another thing. Like the dog in Carpenter’s movie of the same name.

It’s tough to pretend to be a thing that you’re not. At least it is for me. And I got paid pretty handsomely to be something that I wasn’t for several years, or rather to write material that really wasn’t me. I did the best I could, which was pretty good, I thought, even though I didn’t get my name on it (but the checks cleared.) Then the job came to an end, which is probably for the best even though it stabbed for awhile.

A long while. Honestly, too long, but I’m coming to understand that now. This is something I’ve allowed to interfere with me since the beginning of the year. Doesn’t help that it’s been a bad year, again, for reasons outlined in the BLACK PHASE earlier this summer. Staring at a birthday next month, with all the attendant physical reminders of participating in the Only Game in Town, my wife’s health issues are precisely what they are, and a looming sense of real failure. How real is up for some debate, but when you’re down in the hole, it all looks deep, dig?

Which was one of the reasons why I took some vacation this last couple weeks. I know. Vacation. Pure selfish decadence. Five days in Los Angeles, capital of the West coast and dream-city that’s loomed large in my imagination since I could imagine. Glitz, glamor, Uber cars from here to there.

Or, instead, walking solitary around Broadway in DTLA, pre-dawn on a Saturday morning when it was already muggy and sweat-close before the sun could grace the blue tile of the Eastern Columbia building. Yeah, you dodge piles of excrement that are too big to have come from any dog, but you get to see razorwire silhouetted against the Rialto marquee and crawl right up against the molded concrete fantasia of the Mayan Theatre without anyone bothering you or fighting to get a shot clear of humans.

It’s funny. I was watching the BOSCH premiere and beginning to grit my teeth at it, when I got to a scene of Bosch and lady cop drinking in a nostalgia bar and him bemoaning the fact that “Old LA is disappearing” and I swear, I punched the stop button and closed the window right then. Got tired of the lies. ‘Cause the bones of old LA might be harder to find but they’re right there for anyone who gets out of their car and takes a walk. It also helps that I’ve got no patience for Connelly, I suppose. But that’s who and what I am. Can’t be a tulpa and pretend to be something else.

Got to see a lot of friends while in LA as well and realized the degree to which I’m isolated up here. This isn’t a woe is me. You’ll know those when you see them. This is just a fact that up here there’s not a lot of people who are, well, weird in anywhere the same neighborhood that I am. LA, luckily, is lousy with those folks. And it’s good to talk with them, to be reminded that you’re not the only one who isn’t quite figuring out what’s going on, struggling for a little recognition and maybe being able to sell enough books (or records) to keep the home fires burning another month. ‘Cause those folks? They can’t be anything than who they are, too. They’re not pretending.

Pretending is exhausting sometimes. All the time. You get to thinking about how best to blend in and what happens when the jig is up. Maybe that’s why I’m bad at it. Probably. And like I said, I’ve got enough that’s exhausting in my life (say hello to my two kids, who I love very much but if I have to break up another five and three year old-style tiff between them I’ll punch a wall) to have to worry about this. I can’t be anything other than what I am. I can’t do anything other than what I can. These aren’t even sub-Berra (RIP) tautologies, but they still work. Like Popeye, there’s some yams lying around and that’s what I can do.

Flipside of that is I’m the only guy who can do them. Good, bad or otherwise. Love it or hate it, and those are not things that I have any control over, my work is mine.  The writing, the photography, Intrapanel, Identify 9 (and that’s just the creative stuff — not to mention the actual work: husband, father, owner of an increasingly neurotic dawg, Mr. Mom). All that’s mine.

And for too long a time, I was trying to be someone or something else. Trying and not really succeeding. The life of a tulpa isn’t one for everyone and it sure as hell isn’t for me.

This is not to say that the work I’ve done in the last year is bad or substandard, just that there hasn’t been a lot of it (that’s visible — doing so much development work that nobody gets to see) Even that was all under the shadow of “I’m trying to do it like this so it will get accepted” and that’s one of those toxic and seductive thoughts that you put on and somehow are unable to so easily remove. Worse is that you trick yourself into thinking that it’s nice, that you might even belong in it, all the while it’s threadbare and cold comfort when you actually need it.

None of this is heroic or self-hagiography. This is something that shoulda been self-evident years back, but I fought and fought and bitterly fought. Maybe it’s simply growing up? Or is growing up the ability to suck this up and go ahead and keep the tulpa-coat on? Suppose compelling arguments could be made for either one. But this stuff is a process, and when you’ve been down in the hole as it were, the crawl out is slippery. And sometimes you gotta take a break from yourself.

So back to LA. I went and didn’t pretend to be much of anything for five days. Went to a comic show (not a great one, sadly, and probably the last time I come down as anything but a pretext to visit LA again), sat and talked with friends, avoided open-mic comedy, got stuck in traffic, walked the 6th street bridge before it got demolished, ate too many chilaquiles, bought too many books, got stuck trying to get around cars in the Hollywood hills, drank coffee and flipped vinyl in Atwater Village, drank bourbon at a hipster bar in Los Feliz, stared at neon and razorwire, tried to map a place that didn’t exist (that being Smoketown), talked strange LA with friends while a Russian dude and his girlfriend did coke at the table next to us, and generally took a break.

But it’s back to work now. And back to trying to make things work. The trying and not succeeding wears. (Yes, just completing the work is a success in and of itself and my family thinks I’m a good writer, but neither of these pays the rent, or for artists to do pages.) Still, I’m trying to be at peace with my own limitations (assuming they are even such). Like I said above, I can only do what I can do. Can’t be anyone else. Gotta give a fuck about that, even if it’s tough to get anyone else to.

Just look at the sales on “The Black Mass Variations,” right? Well actually, don’t. Though I wonder what the other options are? The Howling Pit or indifference from paying markets. Pretty sure that submission to zero-pay markets aren’t going to do much to convince other outlets that my stories are any better. The CV doesn’t sell the story, you know?

Pitch development for THE FUTURE AMERICA and MY WINGS ARE BLACK continues, as in getting pages drawn (which means they need to be scripted—and choosing a sequence to illustrate the whole thing is crazy hard). And DEPARTMENT OF LIGHT AND SHADOW. And I really need to finish rewriting RAGNAROK SUMMER sometime. And the day job, which is difficult for completely different reasons. And everything else.

And everything else.

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FULL BLEED – BUREAU OF LIGHT AND SHADOW http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2220 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2220#comments Fri, 11 Sep 2015 06:17:48 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2220 Arcade

Well, that was fun, I guess. Looking back on that takedown of the first episode of FEAR THE WALKING DEAD.

Fun but pointless when you get down to it. No value to it other than lancing a boil. Probably should bear my own admonition to do better in cases like this.

Been behind on posts here. Busy trying to get enough done so that I don’t feel bad about disappearing for five days back down to Los Angeles (yes, I did live there for a time, so I can say ‘back down to’). Looking forward to it. Just had to get enough done at the day job (mostly didn’t) and on my own work (kinda didn’t) so guilt wouldn’t have me working when I was supposed to be not working. Yes, I’ve taken vacations this summer, but they largely weren’t relaxing (for reasons discussed in that post entitled ‘Black Phase’). I won’t belabor them here.

I’ll be hitting up the Long Beach Comic Con when I’m there, trying to make professional contacts, in my wonderfully awkward and fumbling way. I’m fine when I have a keyboard in my hands. In person with folks I don’t know, not so very much. And then I’m supposed to pitch these people the projects that I’m working on and either want them to work with me or for them to publish it? Yeah, that’s a whole order of magnitude more slippery and daunting than I’m good with.

But since we live in a world of author as product it’s something I’d best get better at.

So let’s see. Finished up the story treatment and notes for the first arc of THE FUTURE AMERICA, a little story entitled “Benign Neglect” which is about fame, revenge and figuring out who your friends actually are in the face of the other two. I like the storyline well enough, and it’s got enough characters who aren’t the same old thing that it could really go somewhere. But it’s easy to say that when you don’t have to structure everything (which will be the next step.) I’m thinking six chapters, though I’ve been told that if I want to pitch it to publishers, it has to be five or fewer, which really isn’t a lot of room.

I’ll say it again. A hundred and ten script pages isn’t a lot of room. Especially when those are comic pages and time gets eaten up very very quickly. Honestly, comics writing is the most carefully structured work I’ve ever done because if the page doesn’t work, and you’ve got a sequence of pages that don’t work, well, you don’t have much. Prose you can get away with a lot, even scriptwriting you have a lot of flexibility, but comics have a rhythm that you can’t break. You can mess with it a little, but if you’re out of step, it just won’t work. So I never know what I’ve got until I start making page beats (and even then those are easy to goof up when you call for too much or too little of weight to happen and it will show.)

Just like sequential art is the most demanding art form, it’s the same for writing (even when that writing is submerged but for dialogue.)

Spent some time re-reading the first stories in the early 2000s relaunch of CATWOMAN and was reminded how they’re some great comics. Trying to get a sense of rhythm from those, but that’s also like trying to get basic tips on guitar technique from Billy Zoom. The bones of it are there, though you have to know enough about it to understand what to actually look for. Reminds me that way back when I was first writing about comics, I did an interview with Ed Brubaker which you can read right here. Some interesting stuff in retrospect.

Also been reading X-STATIX and I’m sad I didn’t read this back when it was an ongoing, but glad I waited for the giant collection (which I poached from a half-price sale, so yes, I’m killing the industry.) It was the kind of X-book that I’d liked to have read (and I’d burned out on them long before, though Grant Morrison’s take on the team was one of the things that got me reading superhero books again, if not comics in general.) Aside from that, INVISIBLE REPUBLIC is a favorite right now. Scary good, really, playing a different game than most science fiction comics, which is still a strangely under-represented genre. Never understood quite why. Sure. There’s lots of science fiction action out there, but precious little actual SF. INVISIBLE REPUBLIC breaks out of that form, though, and mixes in political thriller, mystery and even detective noir (if I am permitted to stretch that term some). It’s not flashy though, which probably works to its disadvantage, at least in the marketplace.

So, Los Angeles. Get to see folks who I only usually see online and get to go take a lot of pictures of settings that might show up in SMOKETOWN or LOCUSTS or even in another thing I’m tangentially involved with that isn’t comics at all but goes out under the tentative title of DEPARTMENT OF LIGHT AND SHADOW (though maybe BUREAU is a better first word in that — will work on it.)

Not sure I mentioned this here, but I did make a short story placement over the summer. “Chunked,” which is unusual in that it’s overtly Lovecraftian, is scheduled to appear in an anthology called TOMORROW’S CTHULHU which is weird and exciting. Weird, well, because it’s a story that is if anything an unsentimental take on things, certainly not reverent towards HPL or his creations that others have endlessly reworked. Should be interesting to see how its received (and I’m pleasantly surprised that it’s been accepted for this anthology.) Trying to place a few more stories because I’m honestly really tired of working on things that will either not have my name on them (as was the case for the lion’s share of writing I did in the last five years) or won’t be seen by anyone.

To that end, I released “The Black Mass Variations,” which is also a Lovecraftian story, or at least has a Lovecraftian hook, though it’s not about squirming Elder Gods or anything like that, except in only the most tangential fashion. I’ll include a picture of the cover below because it’s one that I’m pretty proud of. Best of all, the whole thing is only .99 for your Kindle device (and Amazon exclusive for now, sorry.)


I will say that working on pitches gets draining because it’s like building the scaffolding for a play that maybe people will get to see one day (but they’ll never see the structure behind the sets). It would be nice to work on a thing that will be read in its entirety. Yes, I know, I can self-publish, but then there’s the whole howling void problem. Publishing is the easy part. Getting noticed is damn near impossible.

With any luck, though, I won’t have to think about that for the next few days. Just taking pictures and smog and eating Mexican food and maybe buying some cheap comics or hitting real actual bookstores (Barnes and Noble kinda doesn’t count). Oh, and there’s that Jack Kirby exhibit at Northridge. And Taschen is supposed to be having an exhibit of Mick Rock’s photographs of Ziggy-era David Bowie, so that should be fun. And just driving around poking at the exposed bones of history in LA. There’s still plenty of them around no matter the cliché about old LA being long gone and only half-dead homicide cops too burned out to have a family but still mean it man when they talk about how old LA is all that really matters and gimme another drink whaddya mean I can’t smoke in this bar?

There might be an update from the road, but don’t bet anything important on it.

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FULL BLEED: TOMBE DELLA CITTÁ http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2209 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2209#comments Tue, 25 Aug 2015 17:26:46 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2209 1505301

Just slap this on while you read. Trust me.

I sat down with my son last night to watch the new WALKING DEAD spin-off show, FEAR THE WALKING DEAD which is really not a good title, but what are you going to do? You’ve got to invoke the mother franchise or people might not know that this is another show on AMC following THE WALKING DEAD which is also about zombies is really another WALKING DEAD show? I mean, come on. You gotta lead the horses to water, right?

My issues with THE WALKING DEAD are pretty numerous and insoluble. After a really outstanding first episode (right up until the time our hero met the other humans trapped in the department store and then Wang Chung) we got treated to sometimes zombies and an ever tenuous grasp of morality. Yes, I know. It’s the end of the world existential struggle and what would you do? Well, I’d try to look at the possibility of building something. But that’s not in the DNA of this show is it? We dance around the teased origin story of the zombies because that would be the key to stopping them but really the humans who are the walking dead are much more dangerous both to continued existence and the characters’ sense of humanity. Eat or be eaten, beat or be beaten. Hobbes would have loved this stuff, right? We play all kinds of music: nasty, mean, brutish *and* short.

So yeah, I don’t make time for it anymore (tried for a couple weeks this last season and I guess I’ll watch it when it hits Netflix because I’ll watch any damn zombie thing — well, most any) but I’m not waiting on pins and needles about it.

Though I made time to catch the premier of this new show. Crazy, right? I figured that since the mother franchise started after the zombies had already taken over, we’d actually get some horror of discovery moments and maybe a little less “well, we’re all totally fucked so any excess is excused, nay demanded” that turned me off of the main show.

Of course, another part of me got to thinking about where this show is going to lead and where it *can* lead. See, FEAR THE WALKING DEAD is a prequel. A prequel is a thing that only serves the needs of the franchise. By definition and continuity, a prequel is leading to, well, a thing that’s already happened. That’s the frisson, right? The people who already love the franchise get to read tea leaves and point at events and the futures they already know unfold before their very eyes. Yes, this new show is taking place in a city on the other side of the US, with a completely different set of people.

Yet, we all know where this leads. Romero-world, where the zombies are ascendant and have ground western civilization beneath their feet. Not that they *care* about that victory. I mean, they’re just zombies, right? They just walk and eat. And they will win. This is already set in stone. It’s already happened.

Yes, it could be that the western US is populated by hold-out humans who have managed not to succumb to their Hobbesian urges and killed any group of survivors that could potentially be a threat. I’d allow for that. But it’s not in the interests of the show to do that. Not when the misery merry-go-round has to be fueled. Because if there is a civilization, well then, there’s standards. And then there’s to be a reckoning with everything that came before.

So, it’s *really* not in the interests of the franchise to go this route. I mean, the survivors’ behavior is only acceptable in the face of the most primal of existential struggles. Without that, where are you left?

That’s where we’re being led to. It’s already happened. There’s no other path. Cul-de-sac or dead end, whichever. Time isn’t even a flat circle but a straight line even if the viewers are the only ones who know it.

So, that aside, can FEAR THE WALKING DEAD deliver? Maybe? Didn’t do much for me. The lead-in scene, which summoned up the ghost of 28 DAYS LATER and was clearly nothing more than a lit fuse with the LA skyline being the bomb. Get it? THE BAD STUFF IS GOING TO HAPPEN SOON. This is written just for the fans of the show and no new viewers. Because the true fans know the bad stuff has already happened and that the city and everyone in it is doomed to either become a shuffling zombie, dead or to be a Survivor. Pretty sure there’s not much distinction between good and bad survivors, either, just varying levels of awful. I suppose cannibalism is a dividing line still, so by that basis, our heroes are still good and right.

Where does that leave the humans of FTWD? Good question. We ended the premiere episode with the “What the hell is going on?” question and who knows. All I can do is count up the missed opportunities. Instead of using the sense of mounting dread as a path for exploration of something, anything aside from the borderline dysfunctional dynamics of our central family.

Sure, there were a few moments (very few) of a glimpse of shambling homeless human who may or may not have been a zombie, but just a glimpse. But linger on that with the camera for a minute. Are the zombies already in the suburbs? Nighttime traffic jam which is bypassed (along with its strange police activity)? There and gone and only revealed after the fact as another zombie (which of course the viewer understands exactly while the first responders get chewed up before the cops pump the walker full of bullets on a video that’s only seen on the internet because the networks won’t show it.

Which interestingly is a parallel between issues of police violence that are shown on Twitter/Tumblr/alt media, but not openly discussed on the networks. There was a nod, but not much else done with it. Just like there’s maybe a suggestion that the government knows *something* is going on but is only trying to bury things and hoping they’ll blow over. But it’s only a suggestion, and pretty oblique at that.

Now this is really meaty material, or it could be. If you’re going for a slow burn entry to apocalypse, then you want to work up these veins and do something with them. I suspect that won’t be the case, simply because it looks like next week everything goes to shit and we’re in a basic zombpocalypse scenario where the switch is flipped and society goes up like drought-starved chaparral in an arroyo.

Which is a shame. I mean, I’m probably one of five people on the planet that thinks it’s a shame, because this is the most interesting territory that an existential threat scenario presents. How do institutions (and the people that make up those institutions) react? What drives them? Security or justice? And when is one suspended for the other? When are the rules that are applied to the marginalized populations applied to everyone (as was suggested is the real definition of a dystopian scenario on Twitter and I wish I could remember who it was that made the statement while I’m just repeating it, but at least I acknowledge I’m not the origin.)

Instead, it looks like we’re going to get bog-standard “all bets are off!” behavior because that’s what the audience expects (and maybe even demands). Eat or be eaten, beat or be beaten because it’s all fucked. That’s where this road leads to. We already know this. We know this because we’ve seen it and it’s why people tune in every week.

Oh, and while we’re talking about expectations, let’s discuss rules. I won’t go into much detail here, but suffice it to say that the explanation behind TWD’s zombies basically boils down to “magic,” just like it does for say Y THE LAST MAN (and, to be fair, Romero’s zombies — but then that was never a concern for him). I can live with that. I really can. But don’t pretend it’s anything but. And really, if you go with the magic source, then you have to follow your own rules. And FTWD doesn’t even do that. If I liked the result better, I probably wouldn’t care (as goes with much critique of any of this sort of thing.)

The basic premise is this: the germ that causes zombies is everywhere and takes over our brains when we die, of any cause whether it be the flu or a bullet to the stomach or old age or even a zombie bite. My irritation is with the arbitrary and uneven distribution of such walking deadness. In 2012, there were some 47k deaths in Los Angeles county. Let’s stick with that number. Even without zombies taking bites out of everyone, that’s 128 a day in LA county. The suggestion is that this started some time ago and it’s a surprise? Yeah, couldn’t let this go.

Granted, I’m a weirdo, a writer and have worked on my own outbreak of Something in Los Angeles project (EATERS, starting back in 2003 or so) and I’ve thought a lot about this. Either the rules are wrong (which we know they aren’t because prequel) or they’re being bent to make things work (which is plot-hammering). Yeah, most folks plain don’t care, because they want the head shots and moral murkiness no matter how we get there. And I’m interested in the how we get there. That’s the most interesting and most important part of this whole thing. That’s what these scenarios allow us to explore.

But it’s not what is appealing about them, I suppose.

And it’s not like this *can’t* be done in zombie movies/fiction. It can and it is. Romero’s first two LIVING DEAD films (the ur-documents of the genre) actually do this, but they do it silently. They do it in character interaction and motion, for which they’re often ignored in favor of “Whoa! Headshot in the first five minutes! That’s how it got the X rating!” I’m not saying that’s the wrong basis for appeal, but it certainly isn’t mine.

Ultimately, the pilot episode of FTWD had some interesting and too-far-apart moments, kind of a disappointment. There’s certainly room for improvement, and they might even pull it off. And I’ll probably watch since it’s one of, like, zero things that my son actually wants to watch and father-son time even over just okay TV is better than not. What it really makes me want to do is to rewatch PRINCE OF DARKNESS (which does dread and LA isolation better even if it’s not “serious” horror) and to work on my own material, so I guess that’s not a loss.

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FULL BLEED: BENIGN NEGLECT http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2204 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2204#comments Sat, 22 Aug 2015 06:18:56 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2204 17510905623_a56e46427b_h

Ready to put summer well behind me. The last several months have been asphalt on the tongue rough, and seemingly unending. When you’re in a grim situation and it seems like it’s always been that way and like it will ever be this way? That’s exhausting in a way that’s tough to describe.

That said, the heat’s breaking and the angle of the sun has swung back around leading to Fall. Feels like that corner’s been turned. Kids are back in school, though it still takes deadly force to get them up in the morning, which is getting old.

So as the day job and dad life allows, it’s back to work on things. STRANGEWAYS still simmers, still need a cover artist for it, too. Would like to do something special given that’s this is likely to be the last STRANGEWAYS book, but I do need to accept reality. SMOKETOWN is still going, in theory, but very slowly.

Of course that means the best move I could possibly make is to start something else, right? Yup.

20XX: THE FUTURE AMERICA is another of those concepts that I’ve had floating around for awhile, just as a handful of notes and half-realized story ideas, bits of background and inspiration. You know, a mess. But let’s focus in on a bit of that mess and look at that word “inspiration.”

If I call out a movie as an inspiration point, say, 2001. What I’m looking for is that same sense of gracefulness and vastness and ultimately strangeness. I’m not asking for the space suits to be constructed exactly the same way or for there to be malicious computers (or cavemen and monoliths for that matter.) I’m looking for something that vibes the same way, or maybe not even the same way but gets to the same kind of place.

Only not by outright copying things. Sure, you can get a lot of traction in today’s marketplace by just filing off the serial numbers and offering someone else’s work as your own. Or if you’re really clever, mashing two things together and fitting the pieces into a kinda sorta new thing. Only the original parts usually show through (often by design so that you know you’re supposed to like this new thing because it’s like two other things you already like.)

THE FUTURE AMERICA comes out of a lot of different sources/inspirations. I won’t deny any of it. The trick is knowing that and using them as a starting point, not a destination. And, as the title suggests, it’s sort-of science fiction (though purists will call it ‘speculative fiction’ and dismiss it on that basis — but then the same thing happened with MAX HEADROOM and that show has proved to hold up a lot better than more celebrated SF from the same time period, so, nyah.) I also have to tackle the fact that a lot of the same themes are going to pop up, but can’t just lean on the stuff that’s been done before. If anything, it’s an opportunity because you know and I know that these stories have been told before, so I have to push past the expected.

Which actually makes things easier in a way. Yeah, it should be harder, but it’s not.

The hard part is stringing together a story out of all these disparate pieces. The world-building is good and all, but that’s just the maze for the critters to run around (and it’s not really a maze because the actions of the characters should change the walls around instead of just hem them in).

I’d talk more at this point, but think I’m about done. If you want to get a look at some of the source/inspiration for THE FUTURE AMERICA, head on over here:


Some of the roots will be pretty obvious, others less so. I mean if you could predict it all, it wouldn’t be any fun, right? Don’t answer that, because sometimes I look around and it’s like people want the same thing rewarmed. And sure, there are moments where only watching ROBOCOP again will scratch that itch, but that’s like the nice china. You can’t eat off that every day.


So yeah, it’s clear that THE FUTURE AMERICA, which starts in the year 20XX on what may as well be Earth-VHS comes from many sources. You can be sure that I’ll do my best to make sure it stands up as its own thing and not just as by-the-numbers anything else. And I’m pretty sure that Jok and the rest of the artists at Estudio Haus, who are working on series, wouldn’t be interested in working on anything generic.

Oh, and as for “Benign Neglect”? That’s the first story arc, which covers everything from the obligations of friendship to urban planning to reality television and the monetization of the other. Also revenge. Bloody revenge.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Recommended soundtrack

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FULL BLEED: WHERE DID I LEAVE THAT FIRE? http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2201 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2201#comments Fri, 14 Aug 2015 07:01:28 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2201 18238067039_f8c59708b5_h

I didn’t come up with that phrase. Neko Case did. She’s a better writer than she’ll ever get credit for. At least I assume that. I don’t read record reviews or thinkpieces, though I’ve been known to read histories (oral and otherwise).

I mean, she wrote the line “I wanted so badly not to be me” and the first time I heard it, I got scared because I knew exactly what was meant by it because I was living in that feeling. I’d carved a little house in there, getting under the skin and hollowing it out so that I could hide. Of course, I wanted to hide from that self-alienation as much as I wanted to hide in it.

Some of the reason for that is probably evident from journals posted recently, no need to link back to them. If you’ve been reading along, you know what I’m talking about, if not, let’s just say that there’s some things that you wouldn’t wish on a person you hate and sometimes you wake up to find that that wish came true, only for you and your family.

And that’s not a thing you get to choose. So all you get to do is live with it.

Then continue on with the rest of your life because it’s still happening even if you want to go back and live in that hollowed-out place and make the rest of it go away. Maybe that’s what other folks call depression; I don’t know what name to give it but that one doesn’t seem right.

So I’m trying to get back into writing again. It’s been awhile. Yeah, that story I posted? That was written back in late 2013. I’ve written a couple of short stories since then. Then there was the novel which was best described as “tortured”, including a full draft, complete tear-down of that draft and re-writing and still not being satisfied with it, but having to turn in something. There’s more in there, but that’s enough to get the general feel of the rolling disaster.

Then there’s BLACK TRACE, which was re-written (after a not-cheap editing process), new chapters worked in and every page getting worked over. Of course, there’s not much to show for that, given the agenting process (no I don’t have one). So in a lot of ways it’s as if nothing happened with it, which is extremely frustrating given the amount of work that’s gone into it.

Everything else I’ve written has been pre-writing for a variety of pitches that I have to keep thinking will turn into something, though that optimism has begun to be in shorter and shorter supply. At some point, that drive turns into something else: a line of questions that demand answers. And sometimes the answers that are spelled out in those broken pieces and story notes and boxes of unsold books aren’t the ones you wanted to hear.

Mostly because it’s easy to read any kind of message into those spilled entrails. Without anything else to build on, though, those readings start to get pretty dark. I’ll be honest. I’ve been at this for awhile, and it’s not just in regards to BLACK TRACE that I don’t have much to show for it. I’ve written and put together two pretty good graphic novels, but (aside from a handful of positive readers, for which I’m more thankful than you’ll ever know) those mostly came and went without a trace. Even when posted on a pretty decently-trafficked comics website. If they were read by editors who I didn’t already know personally, I never heard about it.

The stack of rejection slips from science fiction outlets is pretty damning, too. Of course, I’m not submitting to non-paying outlets. Honestly if I’m going to do that, I’ll run off to the Howling Pit of self-publishing instead. Unfortunately, at least in prose, the dire predictions of self-publishing becoming a sea of slush are largely come to pass. Not only that, but we live in a world of text-scrapers and novelty erotica (sorry, but no raptor is going to be interested in pounding your virgin butt) and honestly stuff that just isn’t very good at all (but very earnest). But it’s all got an equal footing, right? Three cheers for the Long Tail!

So I’m working on a bunch of pitch ideas, primarily for comics. And I’m trying to be honest about what’s good and bad about them, but I have to wonder if there’s anything to them at all. Or any of the other writing. I’m grateful for the praise that my work has gotten in the past, but pride is tough and stringy and doesn’t get the kids fed. And I try to tell myself that the success isn’t an externally-granted condition, but my ability to continue to believe that is exhausted on a daily basis.

And when that fire gutters, you are well and truly cold.

I wish I had more wonderful writing advice for you, more incisive wit, more retweetable moments. But I really don’t, not when it comes to my work. I’m out. All I’m doing now is the stuff that I’m capable of. All I can do.

I’ll try for more positive news next week. Maybe something will break on THE FUTURE AMERICA. All I’ve done tonight is figure out that maybe the main character I thought I’d have at the center of things isn’t a good one which just makes me happy that I’m at outline stage instead of done with the first draft because I’ve thrown out the first fifty percent of a book before and it’s about the worst feeling there is. But then I’m used to a decent amount of outlining (at least on long prose — short prose I just form up the general idea and run with it) so the surprises aren’t major.

Of course, I used to think I was pretty good at this and then that fire lays down and disappears like the wind is blowing hard.

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THE BLACK MASS VARIATIONS http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2198 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2198#comments Thu, 23 Jul 2015 07:17:16 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2198 So awhile ago, I wrote this story for an anthology that had one of those open calls that you hear about, but never seem to quite work out. I don’t get it. I mean, they wanted stories about the Apocalypse, and boy is this one ever.

I know. They wanted some good ‘ol misery-wallowing, which is something I don’t do very well.

This may not stay up forever, so read it while it’s here.



This is just a preview, as the whole thing is going up on Amazon only Amazon is freaking out because the preview is available and if they don’t want it, maybe Smashwords does.

The world was perfectly deteriorated, every streak of weathering and wear placed with deliberation and thought. Stacks of emergency supplies were still wrapped in shiny plastic, red block lettering only half-visible underneath. Ross thought it was bags of rice and beans and maybe some clean water. It was stuff that someone else wanted, but they weren’t going to get. Not this time.

He cranked the safety off of the Armalite AR-15 and sighted along the scope. It wasn’t the best scope that he could get, but it would have to do. Not like he had a lot to choose from now. But at least he was going to keep all this food. He just had to hold these guys off a little bit longer. They didn’t have the guts for a sustained attack.

The sun was bright, too bright, the whole place feeling overexposed and washed out. Dust blew through the street leading up to the Chevroco station, and he was up on the roof now. The supplies were in plain sight below.

Yeah, not so funny picking on me anymore, is it?


Told you it wouldn’t stay around very long.

Don’t worry, you’ll be able to read it again sometime, just that you’ll have to buy it now. Watch this space.

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No news http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2194 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2194#comments Sun, 19 Jul 2015 01:56:09 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2194 No update this week. Meant to, but things got deep into the suck.

If I posted one, it’d be pretty foul, so maybe it’s better that I don’t.

Perhaps after I get back from vacation. Be gone for ten days. A number of things might’ve changed by then, since a big project launches on the 28th (not writing, nope) and I should be hearing back on some stuff so, maybe then. But to be honest, the underlying things that drag aren’t likely to change for the positive.

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BLACK PHASE http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2189 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2189#comments Thu, 09 Jul 2015 06:07:45 +0000 http://highway-62.com/wp/?p=2189 18234670648_e4884c27dd_h

Been working up to this one for awhile. Been a hell of a last six weeks or so. Really been a pretty draining year up to this date. The turning of the solstice didn’t magically fix anything either (not that I expected it to — I’m a grownup.) See, there’s some things that don’t get fixed, no magic wand, no hand of God, no self-actualized inner Anima offering up the hidden wisdom until the right instant.

Some weights don’t get to be set aside so easily, no matter how much I’d like, we’d like, everyone would like. The last six months, and really several years previous to that have been rough going. So here’s the thing, which I’ve talked about with some folks in person, but not everyone and not publicly. Like I said, a weight.

There are some things that I really wouldn’t wish on anyone, but that doesn’t mean they still won’t happen to you. You don’t get to plan for them because you don’t want to even consider the possibility of them happening to you or your family. I don’t get that luxury, and believe me, it is just that.

Eleven years ago, not long after the birth of our daughter, my wife was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Yes, I’ve heard every single Michael J Fox joke: they’re all very funny, very clever, good work. There is not a day that has come and gone since then during which this condition has not played a part or ruled my thoughts. For some years, the external symptoms were not that visible, not that much of an impact on daily life.

That changed over time, continues to change. Medication only masks the symptoms (and in some cases creates its own side effects that are nearly as debilitating), but the disease continues unabated. The weight mounts. On everyone in the family, only I’m Mr. Mom, so I try to take it for the kids where I can. And I have to take it for my wife as well. Stubborn as she is, that only takes you so far.

So, a little more weight. I can take it. That’s my job. Pile some more on. I can take it.

Until I can’t.

Think I hit the wall several times this year. I know I did. Pretty sure I went right through it once. I don’t recommend that.

There isn’t a fix for this (though yes, I know about Deep Brain Stimulation procedures and it’s not applicable at this time). There isn’t a cure. There is only management through medication. And I’ll be honest when I say that this is the worst thing that I’ve had to go through or see anyone personally go through. I say this knowing that it’s worse for my wife and that my best efforts are momentary salves. She still works (and does a hell of a job at it) but not full-time. But it will not get better.

When you see the present, particularly a present that you’re having a hard time dealing with, and you map that onto a projected future, it makes for very grim going. Don’t do this. That said, it’s a hard thing not to do, sometimes impossible. Again, grim going. Particularly when you’re trying to transition to a new medication that works only half as well as advertised, perhaps to get better, perhaps requiring the medication be abandoned.

Needless to say, there hasn’t been much work done. Sure, I’ve been talking about pitches (for comics that may or may not ever see the light of day — that’s a subject for another time.) Pitches are easy, at least the messy and doughy pre-work before you wind it like steel cable taut and without an ounce of fat so that it rings with promise. That stuff is easy to do, almost fun. So what if nothing comes of them, they’re fun, right? Lots of people *pay* to have fun and I get to do it for free. The real work comes from shaping it up and actually writing it. And there hasn’t been the energy or focus to do that. Or the will, to be honest.

Sorry, is this a downer? That’s not the intention here. Nor is it it clumsily (or dexterously) fishing for sympathy. Sympathy I don’t need. Understanding is always welcome. So if perhaps my fuse is short (it is, and probably shortens on a daily basis since the world continues to delight in throwing inexhaustible supplies of bullshit around), then understand that I’m really very angry at things that I can’t hope to control. I can barely live with them.

Does it feel good to get this out? Don’t know. It feels necessary, somehow. Just like the alchemists knew the Black Phase, the nigredo, that’s something that’s got to be worked through. It’s an important, even critical part of the reaction (you know, the one that transforms the alchemist herself, not merely turning lead into gold).

So when I try too hard to make a joke, you know why. Yeah, I shouldn’t use social media as a way to vent (cue me mocking, well everything, on Twitter) but that’s how the cookie crumbles. We work with what we’re handed. We try to get by. Sometimes it even works. But you don’t get the option to punk out, even when you think you really want to.

I’ll try to talk about something more uplifting next week, I promise.

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